Christianity in 10 seconds

Note: this entry is not meant to offend Christians ( some of my best friends are Christians 🙂 but it IS meant to offend those without a sense of humor.

Moving on…

With all this talk by politicians recently about America being based on Judeo-Christian values, I have taken it as my duty to help the non- Christians of the world become better Americans. So for all you who mange to make it though living in a American without knowing the basics of Christianity ( living under a rock, huh?) I offer you undemocratic people; all you need to know about Christianity.

ALL you need to know:

1. God created everything- you, me, the Earth and everything else and HE did it in 7 days.

2. Adam and Eve were the first people and We are all decedents of them.

3. Adam and Eve committed the first sin and We all must pay for that… esp. Women ( damn them!!)

4. God gave us his only son ( called Jesus Christ, i think)

5. God gave Moses Ten Commandments called The Ten Commandments, I think( something about don’t kill, don’t steal, don’t commit adultery.. I can’t remember but don’t worry about that some Christians can’t remember them all either… see the daily show for evidence of that)

6. Jesus died for our sins.

7. You must accept Jesus Christ as your lord and savior in order to get into heaven.

Note: If you can’t remember all this. Don’t worry, all you need to know is number 7. If you accept Jesus, you are saved even if you have done horrible things, if you accept Jesus you are going to Heaven.

In fact if you are gay and a self-righteous type says you are going to hell.. ask them ” What if I have accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and savior, Will I go to hell then”. That will at least shut them up for awhile…

To extra items to remember for non-Christians:

If an extreme Christian verbally attacked for you because of your faith or for any reasons repeat these lines to them:

“Judge not lest ye be judged.” Matthew 7:1

“Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the Children of God.” Matthew 5:9

This should shut them up for a good while. And maybe they’ll realize the Loving and peaceful message of the Bible but that’s doubtful.

This has been Christianity in 10 seconds… Next segment Paganism in 5 seconds 🙂


3 thoughts on “Christianity in 10 seconds

  1. bigham says:

    I understand that this was written with humor in mind.
    However, these things are not to be taken lightly.

    Saying that you “accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior” is not enough. True salvation is only found by acknowledging that Jesus really lived, really died for your sins, and really did conquer death three days later. And then living like it.

    Just as saying that you love your spouse while cheating on him or her is not truly loving your spouse, saying that you “accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior” and then cheating on Him is not truly accepting Jesus as your Lord and Savior.

    I love a good joke as much as the next guy, but consider this: If Jesus really is the Lord and Savior of the universe, then this joking blog is like walking up on a brutal car accident and making jokes. Humor is great, but there are times and places when humor is not appropriate.

  2. And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)

  3. Zoe Compton says:

    Hey, you know, I’m a Christian… but I thought this was really funny. The thing that I thought was the funniest was Number Five. Heck, there are a lot of folks running around calling themselves “Christian”, insisting that the Ten Commandments be put up everywhere, but who don’t really know what all of them are.

    But what Christianity really comes down to is the two Big Ones that Jesus gave us. And those can be boiled down to: “Love God. Love people. It’s really the same thing. And don’t let anything get in the way of that.”

    I could go on and on about why I think that what passes for Christianity in America today (especially from the Pat Robertson/Jerry Falwell crowd) is nothing more than a sick parody of what Christianity really is… But I won’t. 😉

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